Professional Motherhood

I know, it's one of my 'pet' subjects, and I'm returning to it today...the whole recent phenomenon of professional motherhood.

Once upon a time, mother's were given credit for their ability to mother. Then a long came the medicine man, and mum needed help to deliver a baby (with feet in stirrups, and pubic hair shaved) and it wasn't long after that the first of many male experts started teaching women how to mother correctly. Truby King was probably the pioneer.

Now it seems we have a new trend, or one that has been around for the last couple of years...I notice it a lot in the media, which appears to pay lip service to this new trend, and it's also bandied about a lot...come on...you know you've heard it tooo:

"MOTHERHOOD IS THE HARDEST JOB IN THE WORLD".

There. I said it. But do I mean it?

Well...to be honest, I'm just not so sure. In a way, I almost think we've done ourselves a disservice by awarding ourselves this title.

I've been a working mum, single mum, a stay-at-home mum and now a mumpreneur for a number of years...there have been times where I've suffered from post-natal depression and it would be easy to attribute this to THE HARDEST JOB IN THE WORLD but it's not so much the act of mothering that I have struggled with. In fact, I rather enjoy being a mother! Shock!

Sleep deb? Yup, it's hell, but for most of us it passes. Endless dribble and nappies? Not fun, but yup, it passes, for most of us.

I just wonder about those people who work in back-breaking agony day in and day out with little time off for next to no pay to in turn support their families. Do mother's have it harder?

I wonder about the pressure on John Key, particularly if we were in a situation whereby New Zealand went to war...Do Mother's have it harder?

Is it too much to admit, that I'm actually grateful that I get to hang out with my kids? That, when all things are going well, (and even when they're tough) I actually enjoy it?! I seem almost like I shouldn't say it, because Motherhood has changed to a state where we NEED to be stressed out. And if we're not, then we're somehow doing something wrong!

In some ways, I'm the consumate professional mother. I'm the one banging on the doors of the schools, or taking on group special education, and I'm very pedantic about my kids education (I'm an educationalist at heart and I just lllloooveeee) watching kids learn! I don't stress myself out over the perfect house (unless someone comes over, huh Nyk?) my kids are not perfect and I'm faaar from perfect.

Is it enough that I love them totally and completely? That I enjoy their company? That I make sure they're clean (generally..), fed, and that it's ok to be who they are - they don't need to conform as long as they're not harming themselves, property or anyone else? Oh, and I'm a stickler for good manners!!

What do you think? Is Motherhood the HARDEST job in the world? Do you think it's time we eased up on ourselves and our expectations of SUPER MUM?? That maybe, just maybe we could admit that this mothering thing is more like fun than we care to admit :))

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Comment by Kim Lancaster on October 8, 2009 at 11:50am: I don't believe motherhood is the hardest job in the world. Motherhood is a priviledge. I think you're right when you say it is our expectations of ourselves that make it the hardest. We see so many 'perfect parents' with 'perfect kids' on TV, and are brainwashed into believing it is real. And of course, there are those who HAVE to work. I am in awe of you who work and run a home. I did it for a while, but due to a family tragedy last year, my mental health suffered and my DH and I decided I didn't have to be at work. (LOVE him for that).

So I get to be an at home mum. I have high expectations placed on me of having a perfect house, and a well behaved child. This just doesn't happen all the time. How can it? We are only human.

I had to really think about what was important for me and my family and some things get missed sometimes. Sure, its not easy, and I can get so lonely sometimes, but would not change this for anything. The benefits far outweigh the negatives.

Motherhood is hard - no doubt, but is it the hardest? I think at the end of the day it all comes down to perspective. If you allow yourself to be caught up in the medias portrayel for needing perfect kids, then you are mearly creating hard work for yourself so yes, motherhood becomes the hardest job in the world. But, if you allow yourself to make a few mistakes, and remember your kids are only human and NOT going to be perfect, then motherhood can be a joy.

I think we have a choice on how we deal with things, including parenting. We can allow ourselves to get stressed out, to have our clothes, hair, nails done, meals on the table, and a spotless house, OR we can choose to have some fun with our family's, accept that the carpet may end up with a bit of playdough ground in, that they may fall off something and break their arm, that clothes are going to end up ripped and stained (all things that have happened to DS - 2 1/2 in the last 2 months), put a smile on our faces and enjoy the ride.

Perfection is an ideal, not a reality.

I love motherhood and am really thankful for the chance to experience this.

Comment by Mums on Top Coach Kirstie on October 6, 2009 at 7:55pm: Hi Everyone,

A very interesting topic Marilynn. I do believe that motherhood IS the hardest job in the world and to follow are my reasons to back this viewpoint.

Physically we are pushed, pulled and stretched beyond recognition from pregnancy onwards. We have to come to terms with our changing body and our changing wardrobes. We battle on through the fog cast upon us from lack of sleep, no mean feat when we average two hours in one sitting with a newborn. Our immune systems are low and therefore assaulted by our toddlers who come home from kindy etc, like walking petri dishes! And then of course, there is the issue of sex - or the lack of it!

Mentally we are challenged - I certainly am, more than I ever have been before. Running a household, doing all the usual chores and errands whilst coming up with interesting and stimulating activities for a variety of ages and keeping on top of my coaching business too - it's tough!

As for emotionally...well, what a minefield of emotions! Motherhood is like having a grenade exploding all over your life. Everything is turned upside down and inside out; your mind is not your own anymore. I would go as far to say it is overly occupied - especially in the early days when your hormones are controlling your thoughts!

Motherhood is the hardest job in the world in that there is very little preparation and training you can do for it - it's a hands-on job and the steepest learning curve ever. Police officers, nurses, Prime Ministers (to draw from your examples) have all had thorough training, and preparation. They get financially rewarded for it, they get breaks, regular days off and holidays.

I could write more about this topic (as you know it's a passionate topic of mine) but I have a 4YO to put to bed and a 4 week old in my arms so I am typing one handed and I have to admit I am struggling with the lack of speed!

I'm looking forward to reading more opinions on this. :-)

Comment by Marilynn - Mums on Top Editor on October 5, 2009 at 12:55pm: Hi there Louise - yes, I do know that book, it was around when my first was a baby, and it's on my bookshelf!

Agreed, there is a very difficult transition period when it comes to motherhood. It has now been noted (check out 'in the news' tab that mother's with PND are more likely to be younger, less support etc. It's not really rocket science to show that these might just be indicative of PND is it? Lol. As a young mum, I struggled with PND very, very badly. The worst was with number one and number four. For the middle two, I received support so it was quite mild.

I think we have an over-emphasis on who and what mothers should be. There's a book on everything from how to pack a child's lunch (did our mums ever have this - wasn't it just a sandwich, a piece of fruit and a biscuit?) to specialist books on how to breastfeed, to how to bottle feed, to how to get your baby to sleep, to what equipment you need for your new baby. Once upon a time, these were topics that we discussed with each other, and if they were in published form, they tended to be part of a book, not 40,000 words worth!

In terms of 'job description', it's interesting that we must be one of the first generations ever to require or need one for motherhood. When did it get this complicated? Have we lost something internally essential to our beings?

Personally, I think if we, as mothers stood up and realized the power and potential we have to make an impact both on the lives of our children and the wider community we would stop beating ourselves up and in need of being supermum or the perfect mum. Those kind of ideals are great, but we also set ourselves up for failure. Really, who needs it? We are all doing the best we can, in our individual circumstances. If we have a place like MOT where we can share our ideals, challenge our ideas and those of others in a safe way and still manage to reach our motherhood goals (whatever they may be) then we are doing brilliantly.

When it comes to meeting kids needs, absolutely I'm a stickler for this. Hence, why I'm now homeschooling :) But I also sleep well at night (particularly now my no. 3 is doing ok) that I've done my best. Motherhood, is a role that means that there is ALWAYS something else, something more we could be doing. So...we've got to cut ourselves some slack!

Comment by Louise - empowering motherhood on October 3, 2009 at 8:33pm: Hey Marilynn
What a timely blog. I've just been reading "Mothers Matter Too" which looks at the prevalence of surburban neurosis/depression in at home Mums. Its a bit outdated but I think the gist of the book is still relevent in that many women really struggle with the reality of at home motherhood. There are lots of factors that contribute to this (tiredness, isolation, loss of identity, lack of control etc etc) and I think some of the main things that makes it so challenging is not knowing what to expect (i.e no job description, job interview etc) so unrealistic expectations, not having a good support network and struggling with the transition from career woman to at home mum (often covered in poo, sick or food, feeling frumpy and tired).

Personally I love being at home with my babies but its taken me a lot of work to get to this point - looking at myself, expectations, needs, balance, whats really important etc...There is nothing else I would rather be doing at this point in my life and I make the most of all the positives that come with being at home i.e you can have a lively social life during the week and do loads of fun things with your kids. I'm all for "motherhood total immersion", not to the point of losing yourself of course but this is your job so immerse yourself in it.

I run at support/discussion group for at home Mums in Hamilton and will be offering a course next term "Welcome Home" to help women make the transition from career to childrearing as these are things I wish were around when I was struggling. Even women who love being at home have their challenges and i think because we can't just sort it out with the boss or quit its easy to feel stuck. But we actually have huge control over shaping our day to day lives which I think is really exciting (maybe daunting to some). So all in all I don't think its the hardest job in the world but it is generally more challenging than we ever imagined it would be which is hard.

SUPERMUM ideals certainly don't help and it comes back to doing what works for you and your family. I'm a minimalist myself and like to live simply so this helps, but I also have high expectations in terms of nurturing, extending and educating (though I don't like that word) my kids. This means I stress about meeting their needs and each term assess if our activities are providing the best mix for them (and me). Loving playcentre!!!

Wow - what a big comment. Obviously pushed my "on" button!! I'm really passionate about this which is why I write and read blogs, books and run groups.... see www.empoweringmotherhood.blogtown.co.nz

Comment by Marilynn - Mums on Top Editor on October 3, 2009 at 8:27pm: Angela - I LOVE your last paragraph, I've harped on about it for years, motherhood is soooo dichotic!

Comment by Angela on October 3, 2009 at 8:20pm: Ooh , now that’s an interesting debate. If I'm honest it is the hardest job I've ever done, and I've worked for many years in the pressure cooker of the broadcast media environment, which can be pretty hard at times. Those stressors are usually short-lived though, hours, days or weeks at the most. When the programme is finished you go home and sleep the sleep of the sleepy people, returning a day or so later refreshed and ready to start again. Other jobs are far harder that than, like being a Dr or nurse where life and death situation can be part of your daily routine.

I guess for me, the hardest part of being a parent, at least of a 19 month old, is the lack of quality sleep. Pre-baby I'd easily get 9 plus hrs a night of real, no disturbances, sound sleep, now I'm lucky if I get 6, and that’s one of those few-and-far-between good days. When I’m tired I’m the grumpiest thing around and even loading the dishwasher is the hardest job in the world (how pathetic must that sound to someone without even dishes to call their own, let alone a dishwasher?).

So, is motherhood the hardest job in the world, no, not to me at least. It’s exhausting and exhilarating and debilitating and invigorating and takes you to the best and worst places you thought emotionally possible but the hardest job, absolutely not.