From a step childs eyes

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Permalink Reply by Louise - empowering motherhood on November 23, 2009 at 8:29pm

Hey there
I was raised by my Mum and step Dad who joined my brother and my family when I was 3. He has been a Dad to me completely and people are often suprised that he is infact a "step Dad". I never felt that I wasn't his child and when my younger half brother arrived (his and my Mums son) I didn't feel any less loved for not being his. I think my Mum had to step aside and let him be our parent and not be posessive of us and this enabled him to be an equal parent. He was equally involved in our care and lives after we adjusted to him being in our family and we were expected to treat him with equal respect. I would never have said "you're not my real Dad" because I knew this would cut deep and I really felt he treated me like he was my real Dad. I feel very lucky to have had this experience and I am now building a strong relationship with my "real Dad" which is very healing as one can't deny the need for connection with blood parents.
Louise

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Permalink Reply by Penny on November 24, 2009 at 8:57am

Thank you very much for your reply - I like the point about your mum having to step aside and letting your step Dad actually parent.- something I have struggled with I have to admit, but by letting him do his job is clearly a very important lesson to a happy family. And so is supporting you in having a relationship with your real Dad, alot of step parents can feel very threatened by this. I also have people who say that the disiplining in the family should be done by the bio parent was that the case in your family?
I would also like to ask you - did you have contact withyour real dad during your upbringing or is it something you have only done as an adult?
Thanks
Penny

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Permalink Reply by Bex on December 2, 2009 at 9:34am

i'm interested to hear peoples thoughts on this as im a step mum too and my stepson doesnt really like me.

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Permalink Reply by Kim Lancaster on December 3, 2009 at 8:40am

Actully, I hated my step father while growing up(adore him now though). Aside from his really bad temper, he was so controlling. All of a sudden we had a complete new set of rules to live by, and if we didn't do as we were told then we were in major trouble. He was completely black and white in his opinions and there was never any compromise. He truely made our lives horrible. At least, that was our perception at the time.

Now I am an adult, I can still see he made a lot of mistakes with us girls, but at the end of the day he is only human. I can see he really did care about us, and my sister and I were not easy to live with (I suffered from depression from about 14, and my sister was a rebellious teenager).

Could he have done things differently? Sure. He was having issues with his own boys and took that out on us. He also forgot we were girls, and had no idea how to relate to us and nor did he really try. He tried to change all the rules straight away, where it should have been a gradual thing, worked out as a family. But he did try to get us involved in things he liked - paid for tennis lessons (and I OBVIOUSLY had no skills), bought us a dog, took us on great holidays at summer, etc. He also adopted us. Which was quite spectacular as our own father didn't want us.

Growing up with a step parent can be really difficult. I don't think there is a right or wrong way, but the parent needs to remember most children feel very strong loyalty to the parent that is not there. All the step parent can do is their best. The kids probably do like you, but aren't wanting to be disloyal to their mums or dads and as they don't have the maturity or experience to deal with the conflicting emotions, they will take it out on the step parent.

I really admire the step parent. It is a difficult and thankless position to be it. Try not to take it personally when the child displays negative feelings. They are just dealing with their own stuff. You need to be the adult and love them unconditionally. It may be years before you see any fruits from that, but it will happen. And your new partner will love you for the effort, too!!!

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Permalink Reply by Etomia Wilson on December 11, 2009 at 8:44am

HI Penny,
I had two step fathers growing up and gained a new one this year! The differences between my fathers were mainly personality and character or should I say lack of it. The first one I had since I was about 18 months old. He is my half sisters' father and was a very negative abusive person. The second step father I had I know since I was 11. He was a much gentler soul. The common factor with both step fathers is that they were much older than my mother ie 25 and 20 years older. So this accounts for some of the issues we had. Could the step parent have done more to help the situation? Well the first one could have behaved like a decent human being. I guess what I am saying is the the relationship between an adult and a child who is not their own is complex, but if the adult is a decent warm caring and nuturing person things will work out. My second step father was a bit of a grumpy old sod, strict, old fashion but a big softie with a heart of gold. He married my mum who had three girls, he had three grown sons so it was always going to be hard work. As a teenager I had very negative feelings towards my second step father because he was so gruff and old fashioned. The teenage years were also rough due to the influence the first step father and the impact that had on my two sisters. It is awful to say but once he died, life was much better. The dynamics of our relationship with our mother who was very controlling made things hard as well. My second step father gave me the support and encouragement my mother could not. He told me his personal views about my career choice but still supported my decision and told me he loved me and was proud of me. I think that being a step parent to teenagers is very hard work but once the children grow up and mature if the stepparent has been a loving caring person the kids will come around like my sisters and I did. My adult relationship with my second step father and the current one have both been positive because they both are decent people. The reaosn why there is a step parent in your life has a big impact. I think if a marriage break up has been hostile and a rough for the children involved the stepparent will have much more to deal with than if there was a void that the new parent is filling. The age and stage of development of the children involved is another factor that influences the relationship between step child and parent. I have spoken to my half sisters at length about this issue and we all had different experience due to our ages and personalities. I agree with Kim it took years but the relationship with my step father did improve as I matured, I think this would have been the case with a real dad as much as a step dad.
Cheers Etomia

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