Pregnany and scared?

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Permalink Reply by Jen on February 6, 2010 at 4:29pm

Hey Genevieve i had a similar situation with my hubby, we were married for about 6 weeks and found out we were pregnant, my hubby was really against the pregnancy for a start but after awhile he got used to the idea and now loves his daughter too pieces.. it was hard though so i completely understand what your going through
Hang in there, do what you feel is right dont let anybody put the pressure on you as ultimately its your body and your baby

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Permalink Reply by Janine on February 6, 2010 at 4:36pm

I have a 6mth old. I left my abusive partner and are bringing up my daughter on my own. Im on a Dpb. I was so scared of having her but now shes here I wouldn't want to change it. I found some really nice a supportive mums on here who helped me through the tough times. They were a god send. You can always go back and study after you baby is born. I live in greymouth but I can email you or chat to you any time. I have some baby things I can send you. I am finding it really tough financially but in the end Im getting there. Babys grow so quick so get all the free clothes you can don't go and buy them. My mum brought me some pocket nappies on trade me about $200 for 15 with 30 inserts they a great I use them during the day and shes in disposables at night or when we go out. Sometimes I feel like Ive made the wrong decision but when she smiles at me with her cheeky grin or laughs I think how could I not love her. I know there are other mums out here who will help you to just like they did to me. I will look into costs of getting things to you. I have a cot that needs some work and a spare pram, a capsule and other things

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Permalink Reply by Marilynn - Mums on Top Editor on February 7, 2010 at 12:41am

Hi Genevieve,

You sound in a similar position to me when I had my first (cripes am I getting that old???). Yes, it was hard, yes, all those people who say they will help out do not actually 'get it', but at the end of the day, motherhood changes you in a way that you would never have imagined.
That your husband is honest enough to express that he doesn't think he can do it, but in the same breathe say that he will stand by you is a HUGE thing.
There are many who will tell you you are making a big mistake, and hey, maybe twenty years down the track you might agree, but right now, you are a convinced that you don't want to abort, nor do you want to adopt. There is a way around either of these options. You're obviously smart and have a head on you that understands how this will affect your life. Stand strong in what you believe in and go with what your heart desires.
You can continue to study, though you might need to take some time off from it. Just be prepared for motherhood to change your world.

Sometimes, timing just doesn't suit everyone. Go with your heart, whatever is there. Abortion, adoption or having and 'keeping' baby'.
Remember we are only given what we can handle, and that the ultimate choice is what is best for you and your baby-to-be.

In this pregnancy, I chose to go ahead. He's now thirteen and my gem. But i'm also well aware this isn't the choice for all, nor a choice I made at different stages of my life.

Please feel free to PM me, or leave me your number to discuss further.

xx

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Permalink Reply by Genevieve on February 7, 2010 at 1:15pm

Wow, thank you all so much! I am just amazed with everyones kindness..

I am still struggling with this decision, and ultimatley it is only mine to make. I am not a "party" animal, so I am not to scared of the lack of social life, I am more scared of not being a good enough mother because I am not readhy financially or mentally....

Janine, thank you so much for your offer, it would be very very much appreciated. I cant imagine being in your situation, it is just inspiring.

Marilyn, where you studying when you had mr. 13? I think I would do everything I could to cary on at uni, having a baby just makes me more determined.

I dont think I will be getting many freebies from family, but they might just surprise me...

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Permalink Reply by Marilynn - Mums on Top Editor on February 14, 2010 at 9:24pm

Hi - no i think i must have just finished, b/c it was graduation in May where i was four months pg. I was very keen to get straight back into studying though, but ended up working instead. I think a baby and study is def doable (if all things are going well ie health etc).

Your concern over being 'good enough' is shared by almost all mums - regardless of age or financial situation.

Have your thoughts gone any further, or still taking it all in?

x

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Permalink Reply by Richelle on February 8, 2010 at 3:57pm

The fact that you are worried about being a "good enough mother" shows that you are already considering the wellbeing of this unborn child. Which makes you a great mother.

Personally I think anyone who says they aren't scared first time round is lying through their teeth. It's scary, it's difficult financially, mentally, emotionally, it's a whole new thing to have someone so little depend on you for everything and i mean E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. Even though I've got 3 younger siblings and had a major role in raising the 2youngest I still found it incredibly scary and cried when I found out I was pregnant (actually both times, lol!).

What is it finanicially that's worrying you? If it's mortgage repayments - check with your bank about extensions. All the "must have baby stuff" there is really barely anything you need for a newborn... you'll find a whole lot of stuff is completely un-necessary. Bed/bedding (doesn't have to be a brand new cot or moses basket), clothes from friends or even second hands stores, shop around online for nappies disposable or not...etc.

There are so many forums and great stuff online about how to budget - even whilst trying to feed a family (and you really don't need to worry too much about feeding bubs - LOL... it's either going to be breastfeeding or formula for the first six or so months.


Also check with your Uni and see what extensions / allowances they make for pregnant women and mothers studying, they may surprise you.

In reality you can not go through with abortion or adoption so I see no other option. I'm sorry if it sounds harsh - it's not meant to - just don't know how to put it politely on a forum.

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Permalink Reply by Emily Strang on February 14, 2010 at 6:25pm

I was absolutly scared Sh#*less!!! My partner was finishing his apprentiship and id just started a new job a couple months earlier, and within a week of telling my boss iw as pregnant i had loss my job ( for "other" reasons appartnely)!!! anyways i had half planned to try have a baby at the time but didnt expect it to happen so soon, and this freaked me out!!! We lived off one income the entire pregnancy and have quite a bit of debt!!! now 10 months on from the birth of our daughter, i wont lie it can be tough at times, but being a mum changes everything about you!!!! nad the financial side of things, i believe that somehow you always no matter how tight things are manage to find enough to provide the basics for your baby which is all they need, You need to do whats right for you and no one else, and you will know wat is right for you, and i bet you there are many many people around that would love to help you out in any way the can, babies bring joy into lives and you may have to even put your studies on hold for abit, but they will always be there to go back too! good luck if you ever need anything xox

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Permalink Reply by Ceilidh on February 15, 2010 at 2:31am

I had #1 as a teenager and went back to high school with her when she was 1 1/2 - that was tough as I was literally taking her to class with me (very very flexible school!) but the next year I studied Naturopathy part time while my daughter was in daycare two days a week. Had moral support from my mum, and absolutely no support from the father (who is long gone from the picture), but it was do-able. I didn't complete my training in Naturopathy but that was for my own reasons, not because of my daughter. If anything, it was my daughter who inspired me to give it a go in the first place! I've always figured that if I hadn't had her when I did, I'd be lying dead in a gutter before I hit 20 anyway... She has always been my saving grace! (Except when she's driving me absolutely batty as a 'rebellious teen' in which case I feel all that I inflicted upon my own mother is coming back as my bad karma! :P)

A few years ago I had an abortion because my partner and I were worried about not being able to cope financially, and we were also afraid our relationship wouldn't last the distance. To this day we still regret that decision. Every single day. When, five years later, we chose to have our now-2 year old, we were terrified. Terrified that Fate would take her away from us as punishment for that abortion, scared of how we'd cope financially... Now here we are having child #3 (unplanned) and yes money is very very tight for us (our teen is three weeks back at school and I'm selling stuff on TM so I can finish buying her stationary!) but at the end of the day the only thing we'd change is that we'd bring back that child we chose to abort. So what if we may end up renting forever? So what if the fuel gauge is perpetually on empty? I've faced worse before, and it won't be like this forever. Our children give us more happiness than we've ever experienced elsewhere, and living frugally has been good for our teen I think - she's not materialistic (thank goodness!) and is very good with her money because she knows it's not just going to be dished out to her on a platter whenever she asks for it!

2nd hand shops can be great for baby clothes if you go to the ones in the flash areas! ;) I used to work in one and it was amazing what beautiful items people would drop off! Of course, you might just have to find out what days/times they put out their stock so that you can get in and nab the nice stuff before everyone else does. Or bargain hunt on TM. Though that can be a bit iffy... Some people have shoddy ideas of what defines 'excellent condition'...

As Marilynn said, the fact that your husband has voiced his concerns but will still stand by you and the baby is huge. I'm sure everything will work out. It's overwhelming right now, but the moment you see your baby's eyes gazing up at you, you'll never look back! There's a saying that you never regret the children you chose to have, but you'll always regret the ones you chose not to have. That doesn't always apply for everyone, but it sounds like it would apply for you and your husband if you did go through with abortion/adoption.

Good luck, whatever decision you make! :)

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Permalink Reply by Shannon on February 15, 2010 at 1:51pm

Hi all, I did not fall pregnant in the best of circumstances when I first started dating my husband (only two months into the relationship). I was 20 years of age and very scared, which turned into depression, to which I addressed near the end of my pregnancy.
Naturally, your relationship with your spouse changes and evolves when children are introduced into the equation. Some embrace it, others take a bit longer to adjust, but either way I don't think money is a good way of judging what kind of parent you may or may not be. Going back for generations, you could get by "on the smell of an oily rag", as my mother in law would say!
I decided to keep my baby, and he is now nearly 6. It's been a bumpy journey, but one that I wouldn't change.
I personally did not/do not have strong family support so that's the only thread missing nowadays that sometimes I would I wish I could weave into my journey. So if you have a good support network this will certainly be of benefit, as it is comforting to have a helping hand and an ear for advice or coffee etc.
Financially, I shared the load with my husband and worked full time from the time my son was 1, until I fell pregnant and had my daughter in 2008. I now work from home with part time hours. Things have a way of working themselves out- I now have number 3 on the way..Life is like a box chocolates, you never know what your gonna get! Good luck with your decision, Genevieve xo

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Permalink Reply by Jacquie Shanks on February 15, 2010 at 7:07pm

My husband and I were a bit the same - I don't think there would ever be a 'right' time for us but our surprise baby proved it really was the 'right' time! I was 22 and we'd been married for 3 years already but had so many other priorities. My husband was so scared about it all until about 10 mins after our daughter was born!! (And we then wondered why we didn't do it earlier - and now have our second baby too!) I think we need the whole 9 months to mentally prepare for having a child. It can definitely be tight financially but it's so worth it ;o)

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Permalink Reply by Bex on February 16, 2010 at 12:12pm

Hey Genevieve, how are you coping at the moment?
Did you say that you are 21wks preg now?
If you want to talk over the phone about parenting or adoption, feel free to PM me your number and I can call you. I am 22 and have been through both placing my baby for adoption and having my own baby when my partner was really ready and the impact that has.
Please please know you have support here :)

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